My daughter just turned 16. For the past few months, she has been learning how to drive and this has challenged me to the core. It’s not that I don’t trust her skill per se, but my teenage nephew was killed in a car accident a few years ago, so trusting this new situation doesn’t come easy. To prevent being swallowed by the past, I had to look for ways to deal with my fear. And surprisingly, the simple strategy of repeating affirmations became my break-through tool for building trust in relationships.
Click here download my free tool, 10 Affirmations for Building Trust in Relationships.
Building Trust in Relationships Can Be Hindered By The Past
At first, practicing to drive with my daughter in the church parking lots was fun. But as we ventured into traffic, it felt more serious. I noticed panic rising in me. I tried not to show it, but the deep terror of losing another child in the family started to take control of me.
At every turn, the danger I expected was confirmed. It felt as if my daughter was accelerating into an intersection, rather than taking her foot off the gas, or I felt her swerve away from the center of the lane. In truth, nothing ever happened as a result of her learning to control the car, except the elevation of my blood pressure. And even though her control improved, my fear only got worse.
I felt like I was battling an intangible threat. With each driving lesson, I was reliving a situation that had taken place long ago, yet seemed real in the moment. And I exhausted myself in this struggle.
After taking some time for contemplation, I realized that the past was influencing my current situation. It had caused me to form the limiting belief that my daughter was incapable of taking care of herself in traffic. This belief was holding both of us back.
How Does This Relate To Building Trust in Romantic Relationships?
If in the past, someone cheated on you or hurt you deeply in some way, it is likely difficult for you to now trust a romantic partner. Just like I did with my daughter, you feel justified in protecting yourself.
When we get hurt in relationships we can begin to assume it will always be so and often start actively trying to prevent it from happening again. How joyful can a relationship be if you are constantly looking for a signal that confirms your worst expectations? You may even tell yourself that the best way to handle this is to avoid relationships altogether. Either way, the experience is painful.
Building Trust In Relationships Requires Willingness To Trust
Remember, Law of Attraction teaches us that the more we focus on something, the more it expands in our lives.
What I saw happening in my situation is that the tighter I gripped, the more painful it became. My rides with my daughter caused me physical pain. My back would lock up from all the stress and fear. When you distrust a partner, you may experience physical pain, but it may also manifest more subtly. You may feel listless and irritable as a result of being worn out by the constant sounding of the inner alarms you have set to ensure you are protected.
For a while, I halted my daughter’s driving training entirely, because it was just too scary and painful. Many will end things with a potentially wonderful partner because they cannot take living with the fear they carry from their past. The unfortunate thing is, that just because we take a break from facing the fear, it doesn’t go away. It will simply rear its head again in the next relationship.
So what we need to do is relax our grip and allow this relationship to breathe.
Click here download my free tool, 10 Affirmations for Building Trust in Relationships.
Building Trust In Relationships May Require Getting Outside Help
I live in the West, in the center of a sprawling city, with few legitimate public transportation options. If I wanted my daughter to become independent, she needed to learn how to drive, however imperfect this was going to look.
I, therefore, asked my husband and my best friend to help. They were much calmer co-pilots and I knew my daughter would make better progress without my fear in the car. But I also knew I had to work on my fear.
If you feel that the fear is just too intense for you to bear, you may benefit from talking to a friend who is in a trusting relationship and can share tips or from consulting with a therapist.
When We Don’t Build Trust in Relationships, We Actually Loose Out
As I examined my fear, I had to look at what I was losing by holding on so tightly. It hurt me to see that not only was I making it impossible for my daughter to become a safe and successful driver, I was also preventing her from becoming an independent adult.
My fear didn’t end there. I refused to let her drive with her friends who had just gotten their licenses. My daughter’s school is far from our home, and for years I was the taxi, spending an hour or more each day, driving her to school and back. However, as more of her classmates acquired their licenses, a new opportunity was opening itself up and I was missing out because I insisted that no one but me could keep her safe on the road.
So when you feel the urge to check a partner’s unattended cell phone or to rifle through his personal belongings, ask yourself: What am I missing out on by keeping myself from embracing a trusting relationship?
Using Affirmations To Build Trust In Relationships
Of course, creating change is easier said than done. Our brain holds onto limiting beliefs with aggressive fierceness. My thought that my daughter was unsafe while driving was deeply rooted in my unconscious and getting rid of the thought was not going to be easy. After all, with the story of my nephew, I had evidence that being unsafe while driving can lead to death. So logically, there was not much of an argument for the other side.
So how was I going to remedy this situation? Whenever I realize I hold a fear-based belief, I go back to my strategy of positive affirmations. For this, I needed to first get clear on what my fear was. Mine sounded something like this: “My daughter is unsafe while driving and may die.” Then, you figure out what the opposite of this might be. In my case, it was: “My daughter is a skilled, safe driver. The Divine always protects her and anyone driving with her.” I started affirming this sentence to myself on a daily basis and repeated it like a mantra when we were in the car.
Honesty Lies At The Core Of Building Trust In Relationships
Over time things got better. However, trust isn’t born quickly and for many of us, building trust requires taking one small step at a time. While I’m still uncomfortable sitting next to my daughter, I’m now willing to trust her to drive with others. I’ve allowed her to carpool with her classmate, who has been driving for a few months. This is going well, which is building my trust in the situation.
Most importantly, I was honest with my daughter throughout the entire process. I shared my fears with her and she understood. We both became more patient with the situation. I also took responsibility for having the problem and told her about the solutions on which I focused. She was more than willing to work with me after that.
In relationships, trust is built when we lay our soul bare and share our fears. Our partners understand that we want to protect ourselves from hurt. Caring partners are willing to work with us. What matters, is that we include them in the process.
My daughter will be taking her final driving exam in a few weeks. I continue to repeat my affirmations. And I trust that by the time she passes the test, I will have the courage to hand her the key to my car.
If you are struggling with building trust in relationships, I’ve created a free tool for you. Click this link to download 10 Affirmations for Building Trust in Relationships.
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